A Rambling Revelation

Looking for some crucial answers to your present problems?

Don’t you love when you have those light bulb revelations at the same time you’re digging deep into your life in hopes of finding answers to your problems?

It’s been one week since I’ve been back in Barcelona and I’m slowly returning to some sort of routine, well, part of one at least. In an effort to ‘’figure out the next step in my journey’’ I’ve made a few decisions that maybe some would call crazy – you’ll learn in future posts what they are.  If you’ve read my previous entry ‘What’s Your Pattern?’, you would have learned that I feel most driven when my routine is switched up or when a life changing choice presents itself, forcing me to re-evaluate my path. So, with that said, due to my current situation, one would think the best thing for me is to buckle down and keep on trucking through, all while pretending the document I’m waiting for, to complete my residency papers arrives before I’ve missed the deadline and my application is cancelled, leaving me with the likely possibility of needing to pack up my bags yet again and move. Pwf, now that´s as stressful as reading that run on sentence!

Yes I could continue waiting, completely ignoring the fact that this document,  that is suppose to take a maximum of 2 weeks to arrive, has still not arrived after 5. I could also ignore that the copy I requested, and paid for a second time, has also not shown up. If I simply continue on my merry way and wait for one of the two to arrive everything will work out, won’t it?

The me months ago would have thrown all her trust into the waiting game basket, thinking ‘oh life will just work out in my favor’  because I am manifesting it. The me now, has learned that although you can manifest something to no end, if you haven’t taken into consideration what you’re up against, no amount of manifesting will make it happen.

Truthful acknowledgments: When I think about the me before, maybe all I was doing when I thought I was manifesting was really just activating my inner belief that I was entitled to something because I had already put in so much effort and therefor there was no other option but for it to turn out.

Back to the point I was making above on manifesting without success. We still need to be realistic about the things we are trying to manifest. Let me put it all into perspective to help you understand what I mean by this…

If in three months you want to be an astronaut for NASA, I’m sorry but even if you start the process now, it’s just not going to happen in the time frame you’re hoping. What I’ve learned with manifesting, keep in mind that I’m still new to the whole idea, is that if you don’t take into consideration the factors that are out of your control, what you’re trying to manifest will most likely fall short. I’d like to hypothesis that when this happens, it’s because you’ve manifested with unrealistic expectations and without considering what’s out of your control.

Side note to all this:  I believe that no matter how much you manifest, in the end, it’s the universe that will guide you in the direction it sees fit. I can’t help but think that my MIA papers, needed to complete my residency application, are some sort of weird message from the universe telling me that I need to make a shift in a new direction.

to the skies

Back to the lightbulb moment, finally I know, bet you never thought I’d get there but then again, the disclaimer was in the title so you should have seen the ramble coming jajaj. I’ve spent the past week, since I’ve returned to Barcelona, asking myself why I feel completely out of my groove and in a major energy/motivation/inspiration slump. That then prompted my next question to myself, what was my groove before and what was it that was throwing me out of it now?

The few things I came up with; arrival blues, missing family, rainy weather and lack of funds were all most likely contributors that held some weight to why I felt down but none of them seemed to provide a real explanation for my slump. I knew there was a deeper reason for my current emotional state. Before I left for Canada, I was extremely excited for my trip (I should mention, normally going back to Canada doesn’t overly excite me) knowing that it would provide some clarity to my currrent residency woes in Spain. I didn’t know what sort of clarity I was after and I hadn’t put any expectations on what I wanted to find out. I simply left on my trip and allowed whatever emotions and feelings that came to me along the way, enter and exit without pressure.

Today, as I was sitting in one of my favorite cafes, I realized what it was that may be a main factor in my emotional slump this week. I reflected on this thought throughout the entire day. Deep down I wished for a life that was filled with more serious aspects, and coming back after a month of reflection, opened my eyes to the fact that nothing I have at the moment is guiding me in a serious direction; not my job nor my living situation in a tiny room in a shared flat, just to name a few.

Looking back, I can remember myself saying on numerous occasions, when friends or strangers would ask, ‘when do you want to settle down?’ My response for the past year, if not longer, has always been ‘I wanted to settle down years ago’. My move to Spain was suppose to be that point of settling down where I would finally be able to invest in a life, in a place I truly felt home in. It wasn’t until I removed myself from everything here, that I realized that nothing I was doing in my life gave me the opportunity to settle with any bit of confidence.

Canada had provided me more clarity then maybe I was prepared for. This week I have been able to look at my life here with clear eyes and the lightbulb moment is me realizing that maybe all I have been doing all along was over adapting and telling myself, every time things got really challenging, that nothing was worth worrying about too much. I was giving too little of a fuck about the real problems that were in front of me (keep reading and you’ll see where the reference is coming from).

I failed to accept how difficult things were in my life and instead painted myself a rosey picture of reality. We often paint rosey pictures for others but unfortunately I painted one of my own this time. What I was doing was possibly creating a perfect world in my own eyes and then acting it out. Spending my days only looking at the good parts of my current living situation, and nanchulantly skipping over the shitty bits. Basically, I was so good at adapting to this life and remained positive even in times of intense stress that I neglected some of the crucial emotions that were burrowing deep inside of me.

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Yes I love it here in Barcelona, and for anyone who is close to me and has seen me here, knows how the city really does suit me. There are so many things that light me up about living in Barcelona and I’m truly grateful to have the choice to be here. Those emotions I just spoke about that have been burrowing inside me have a lot to do with my need to be closer to my family, my desire to live in a house where I feel comfortable and have a creative space to grow and develop my passions, and my longing to share my joys and sufferings throughout life with someone next to me. It’s funny that no matter how much you suppress something, all of our deepest emotions and desires that were once tucked away will eventually surface. This is a positive and although it may be difficult to deal with at the time, it’s absolutely necessary in order to be able to live the most vibrant, intentional, and fulfilled life you can. I am so happy I´ve given myself time this week to dive deeper into my emotional state and really ask myself some tough questions.

You may wonder what’s sparked this ramble and if I’m to be perfectly honest it´s been a mix of a lot of time this week spent alone drinking coffees, wandering the streets of Barcelona and staying up way to late reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life I couldn’t have picked up this book at a better time. With every page I flipped, I was able to relate and apply what I was reading. One of my favorite parts in the book, among many, was when Mark Manson says, ‘True happiness occurs only when you find problems you enjoy having and enjoy solving’. When it comes down to it folks, finding out what problems you are willing to take on and creating positive metrics for how you will measure your success and failure at solving these problems is key. Next step for me, well I think you know it already. I plan to spend more time evaluating whether the problems I have now are ones I am prepared to stick with and see through or whether I will be adopting new problems that I’ll be more excited to solve 🙂


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